Hello world,
I have been devoting a large amount of time to thinking about the human condition and the predicament we all find ourselves in: that is, the contradiction and/or anomaly and/or correlation between physical pleasure/sensation ie:lifestyle-hedonism AND intellectual growth/stimulation.
Is intellectual stimulation diametrically opposed to the pleasures of the flesh???? And how is intimacy defined: as being a feature of relationships which are purely PHYSICALLY driven??
... can there be INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY between two people, either of the same or opposite genders? Is ANY relationship /friendship EVER devoid of latent sexual longing/latent sexual desire due to flattery/stimulation of the brain by the other...?? Is the brain an erogenous zone or what????
I mean, Orion makes me well fucking horny... she's a HOT HOT chick... But it's an empty kind of longing... it feels real during the time it is happening in... itfeelslike something long-lasting and substantial... but it never leaves me feeling full or good or better.... ....??? I mean; I've never fucked the girl, but this feeling of emptiness after I masturbate over her... it freaks me out REALLY FREAKS ME... I'd be scared to fuck her in case the feeling came back; only ten times worse...
How many different brands or types of intimacy are there?? I suppose it operates on a spectrum, just like everything else; there are degrees and degrees within those degrees of everything' different shades of emotion..
... Just lately, all of my pleasure has been derived from activities such as: masturbation/causing pain to others/opportunism/desire for something physical to HAPPEN to me... I never really thought about the fact that what happens inside your head is something which affects your physicality... which can do us good physically or bad: or which can change the way your brain is organised... I'd never really thought about it before. I never thought that what went on in your head was ever really anything HAPPENING... I mean EXPLOSIONS are things that happen outside and to other people... unless you count Orion's hamster, Domino: the microwave was a fucking MESS man... that little creature just got hotter and hotter and hotter; slowly from the outside of its fur to the inside and all its organs and shit and then gradually the heat moved inwards, advancing on its little tiny heart and then... FUCKING WHOOOOOOOOOSH SPLAT!FUCK!SPLATSPLATSPLATSPLATSPLAT! fucking dead hamster EVERYWHERE...
I mean; why did I do that? Why do we feel compelled to hurt the people we claim to love... it's not love is it? Maybe we hate them for putting us through hell... maybe we hate them because we're afraid to love; maybe we hate them because we don't know how to love them......
Since remembering Uncle Colin, I found all the Rachmaninov he ever brought and I've been listening to it again... Somehow it pulled me out of something; I don't know what... it felt like I was in the belly of some monster and that I couldn't get out.. like I was always looking behind me and my dreams were telling me all of the stuff going on under the surface, you know... Only I didn't realise. You've got to look haven't you, and realise?
Anyway, mum's been having a rough time... she can't look in the mirror any more -I think she's having some sort of a mid-life crisis or something' but its a bit over-due if you ask me.
I think we've both been thinking too little and then SUDDENLY started thinking too MUCH. weird... it's all happened at once. It's funny that; when you don't think about stuff and then it all comes falling out at the same time; and suddenly you don't know where you are and you feel like someone's following you and keeping tabs and stuff...
She's stopped wearing make-up and everything. No one knows who the bloody hell she is!!!! We've just been sitting in the caravan listening to Rachmaninov. It's really nice, just the two of us. She's told all her punters to -piss off! and DON'T COME BACK! so that's what they did. No one disobeys her, absolutely no one.
Ok, that's all for now,
Harry